I should admit this first. I am an extreme T — Think, in MBTI terms. Being a T does not automatically make relationships hard, but I judge most things by efficiency and logic, so even everyday conversation is hard to meet with empathy. When the topic is something I do not care about, I often lose focus or fail to meet the other person. That has made relationships difficult, and recently it caused several problems.
Reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People showed me what had gone wrong. The book also explains, kindly, how to fix it. I had been living the opposite of what it teaches. Of course the relationships ran into trouble. I learned that making an effort to consider the other person, take an interest, and empathize is closely tied to my own happiness and success. In the end, I have to work at relationships if I want to be happy. This also connects closely with Future Self. So I am writing the methods and principles here and I plan to review them every morning.
Six ways to make people like you
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Become genuinely interested in other people. -> I was more interested in myself.
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Smile. -> I found myself looking stern all the time.
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Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. -> I made no effort and just said I was bad at names.
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Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. -> I talked mostly about myself.
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Talk in terms of the other person's interests. -> I talked only about my interests.
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Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely. -> I talked about how important I was.
I wrote how I had been doing it on the right. I was not doing well at any of them. It is embarrassing. I am reflecting on that.
Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking
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The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. -> I enjoyed arguments and always wanted to win on logic.
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Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." -> If it did not look logical, I always said they were wrong.
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If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. -> If it did not look logically wrong, I would not admit it.
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Begin in a friendly way. -> I always tried to stay above the other person in conversation.
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Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately. -> I went straight to the point.
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Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. -> I was usually the one talking more.
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Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. -> I emphasized that it was my advice or my idea.
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Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. -> I always saw things from my point of view, and often argued.
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Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. -> I was more interested in myself, so I could not empathize.
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Appeal to the nobler motives.
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Dramatize your ideas.
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Throw down a challenge.
Reading the book made me reflect a lot. I had only thought about efficiency, logic, and myself. I am learning how important consideration, empathy, and interest in the other person really are.
Nine ways to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment
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Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
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Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
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Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
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Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
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Let the other person save face.
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Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. "Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
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Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
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Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
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Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
People do not change easily. If you still have to help someone change, these are worth trying one by one.
Seven rules for making your home life happier
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Don't nag!!!
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Don't try to make your partner over.
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Don't criticize.
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Give honest appreciation.
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Pay little attentions.
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Be courteous.
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Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
This chapter was the one I felt most. Many couples fight for reasons that sit in this list. I also failed to keep these principles, and I admit that. There is a line in the book: satisfying your partner and making a peaceful, happy home means more to a man than earning a million dollars, but fewer than one in a hundred men seriously think about a successful marriage or truly work at it. I felt that one.
That is Dale Carnegie's book. It is old, and I can see why people still return to it. I am going to treat it as a guide for my own life.
I listed the methods and principles above, but the book has many stories and very specific examples of how to apply them. Why not read it and try living with it?
#BIM, #HOWBIM, #Dale Carnegie, #How to Win Friends and Influence People